SRKindredSpirits

Happy 13th Birthday to my beautiful Adilayia Rose! It's hard to believe my baby is a teenager! Being your momma has been extra special! I've always said God knew that we needed you, when he brought you into our family! When you were little, your joy for life was unmistakable! Your honesty and courage makes me so proud. I hope your determination to always do the right thing will guide you through life You are so much like your daddy. You grew up way to fast! Happy Birthday Baby Girl! - mom You didn’t make me a mama. Your pregnancy wasn't planned. You didn’t get a baby shower, or any type of celebration. Not as many people visited you at the hospital as your older siblings, and very few came to our house when we first got home. You didn’t get a new car seat, or a new baby swing. Most of your clothes are hand-me-downs. Your monthly milestone pictures were late by a day or two, and I have far less bump pictures from my pregnancy with you. Most of your toys come well-loved from

I'm human.... big shocker, I know.... No, seriously, I struggle with forgiving as much as anyone. But today, 2 Timothy 4:14 stood out to me and it made an impact... I told the hubby and kids, from now on, when ever I feel wronged by someone, I am gonna say "...the Lord reward him according to his works." So many times, we hold grudges against people, fretting over how we've been wronged, etc. When in reality, if we just leave it in God's hands, we can know that God will take care of it fully... "Alexander the coppersmith did me much evil: the Lord reward him according to his works: You also must beware of him..." - 2 Timothy 4: 14-15a It is a certainty of life, that sooner or later we will be hurt by someone else. Sometimes people hurt us accidently, other times it is intentional. Sometimes they hurt us by their actions, other times it is by their words. At times, the wounds are superficial and heal quickly and at other times they are deep and scar us fo

Today has been hard for me.... there were alot of tears.  I don't like getting old, and I don't like that people I care about are dying... our friend and neighbor passed away this week.  Brooklyn_speaks  went home to be with Jesus today....  another friend of ours is losing his battle with ALS and got his feeding tube put in this month... I feel overwhelmed that for me, I know my place in that line will come sooner than later.  My death sentence makes me angry... I have kids that need me. I want to travel and see the world. I want to watch my kids grow up... to see my grandkids and great-grandkids. I want to enjoy retirement with my hubby. I want to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary together. I want to do something good with my life. I get tired of fighting with doctors, getting pricked with needles and the ever changing doses of medication. I'm tired of being exhausted every single day. I feel guilty for just about everything I do, and everything I don't do. I fee

  Christmas looks different for our family this year.... it's our first Christmas without Stephen's Grandpa Chuck and my Dad. No more playing games and talking/laughing with siblings and in-laws. No more taffy pulls, Christmas caroling or cookie making....   My hubby, kids, and I are gonna make new memories and have a wonderful joy filled Christmas! We will start new traditions, and enjoy Christmas with people who love and care for us! Is it sad? Yes. Do I wish it could be different? Yes.   Sometimes the truth hurts, but it's still the truth. So yes, Christmas will definitely be different now that Dad is gone. He  wasn't very big on Christmas, or gifts anyway.... it just wasn't his thing.. . but I'll still miss it. Most of all, I'll miss him. And it makes me wonder.... 🎵 -  https://youtu.be/cBtZY633AjI  - 🎵  … Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold Are the mansions all covered in white Are you singing with angels silent night I wonder.....  what

Happy Heavenly Father's Day, Dad! I know you were never big on holidays, hugs, and all the mushy stuff... neither am I, but I'm laying in bed wide awake, with thoughts running through my mind, so here goes.... I sure wouldn't wish you back from heaven, but I miss you more then I ever thought I would. I heard this song on the radio the other day, driving home from Cleveland for work, and I couldn't help but think of you... "Better Off There" -by The Browns  Its no secret that we weren't close before you got sick, but those last five to six months, we had some of the best talks and the time spent, just me and you, gave me some of the best memories of us together!  I loved the fact that you kept your humor... Our trip to the Nurology center in Middletown (you getting your way with the truck, getting lost, eating corn chips and cold lunch meat sandwiches, and shoping at Walmart), and driving home from the hospital (even though you kept saying I was driving sou

My husband listens to Jarrin Jackson on YouTube , and the other day I overheard this statement:  "Neutrality is a myth....."  It stopped me dead in my tracks. What a dynamic and profound statement spoken in truth.  This saying has been playing over and over in my head since then and has been a main subject of my hubby and my conversations. Let me say it again... "Neutrality is a myth." You see, when some of my siblings and mom was fighting over my dads care and who dad chose to be his Medical POA, there were a few siblings who would say that they were 'neutral' ...that they were not picking a side, which ultimately made matters worse, because they would not stand up for what was right or truth.  "There is no such thing as neutral. There is no position, no placeholder, that doesn't carry with it some subjectivity based on our experiences in the world." My hubby and I have always believed that life is black and white. There is always two sides a

  I know just about enough to be dangerous.... that right now is my whole take on religion.  You see I was raised very conservative ( think Amish, without the buggy ), and was taught conservative beliefs my whole life.... and there was alot of good that came from being raised that way. But, there was also alot of bad.... as my husband says, "if he wasn't already a Christian, seeing the way my conservative family and churches I was raised in act, he wouldn't want anything to do with God if that's how he was introduced to Christianity." Which is sad, but I agree with him 100%.   I joined an Independent Fundemental, KJV Baptist church ( which is pretty conservative ) and though I would say my belief aligns with a conservative Baptist, I am tired of the church politics, rules, and people acting one way on Sunday and another through the week.... the 'whatever' attitude of the Christian faith is off putting to me...... On the other hand, I was rebellious in my

My Dads funeral was on a cold winter day.  The actual funeral service really didn't mean much to me. It seemed the preachers just talked about random stuff ( like sexual assault and how we shouldn't be cremated -it was weird). My mom made it very clear which kids she wanted with her and those of us that were not welcome....  Anyway, it was probably the weirdest funeral I've ever been too, and I've been to alot! (My ex husband and I used to manage a Cemetary and help at the funeral home, so I do know a bit about funerals.) But, when we got to the graveside, the most beautiful, big snowflakes were falling all around us. The little country Cemetary was covered in a white, fluffy, blanket of snow.. it felt like God made it perfect just for me!  The graveside service and story about my Dad, ment more to me than any other thing that was said during the funeral.  The following poem was read by my Dad's long time customer and preacher friend, at the graveside service.     T

I absolutely hate the visitation line at viewings and funerals. No matter which side of the line I'm on. I hate standing there next to a deceased loved one for hours at a time. The loved one is gone, its just an empty shell (if you know anything at all about embalming/autopsies, you know that the body has been so mangled, glued, wired, sewn, painted, etc, its really not the same person at all.) I hate trying to come up with small talk with people, or trying to comfort them when I can’t even comfort myself. I hate having to endure people I barely know trying to “solve” my grief, as if some saying or cliché can take away the pain. I hate the awkward things people say, like, "oh, doesn't he/she look so good!" Excuse me. You don't look good when you're dead.... you just don't. (This is one of the reasons that I will not have a veiwing, an open casket, or a traditional funeral when its my time to go.) And most of all, I hate the cheap casket-side theology that

I was by my Dad's beside when he died today.... Someone had said, that we should have prayed to God for a miracle so that my Dad would be healed completely here on earth..... But after talking with my sister about it... the way that I see it, my Dad's death was a miracle. It was a miracle that he lived for five months after his diagnosis, without standard treatment. It was a miracle that he was in his right mind up until the day that he died. It was a miracle that we had five good long months to talk with him, to be together, and to learn things about his life and spend time with him.  Dad and I just understood each other so much more... we just let the past go andade so many good memories.... just like the following song.  https://youtu.be/DTFbGcnl0po It was a miracle that he was pain-free the majority of the time.. It was a miricle that he was only in pain at the end. That he didn't have to suffer long. It was a miracle that we were able to be by his bedside when he passe

Our oldest daughter moved out this month.... it really wasn't a surprise, I knew it was coming, and although I wanted her to wait for another few more months, I think deep down, I knew it was time. She is 19, has a full-time job at a busy Vet hospital, is enrolled in college, currently working towards a graphic design degree. She graduated school 2 years early, is a hard worker, a good employee, and managed to save a good sized nest egg. She has always paid for her own phone, insurance, and paid cash for her car, - and she did it all on her own.... she never got an allowance and we didn't spoil her with money or things. She worked hard to get where she is..... I'm proud of her.... And although I think I knew it was time she spread her own wings.... I had a tangled up mess of emotions. Somedays I would cry over everything. Somedays I was sad.... it was almost like all my dreams and plans that she and I had for years had died and were being buried. Sometimes I was angry..

My dad was diagnosed as having Glioblastoma in September 2020. It is the fastest growing brain tumor there is.  Its hard to watch the dad I knew get weaker and weaker, but at the same time it has given us time to be together, time to talk, time to laugh, time to cry together, and time just to be.  He has told me more about his childhood, his teen years, his work, his marriage, church issues, and life decisions than I never dreamed of knowing. We have talked about our past relationship (or lack of it), our reasoning at the time, and what we wish we'd have done different. We have talked about Heaven and God and the Bible. We have talked about my cancer, my kids, my marriage, my life, and about dying.  We have shared secrets, some may be told after he's gone, but most of them I'll keep to myself and hold close to my heart....  We have our own little jokes about mom or my siblings or just people in general! Dad has a great sense of humor through all this and he makes me laugh!

There is always one day that is simply emotionally confusing for me and that is:  The Ex-Anniversary Date Twenty years have passed since the day I stood with my first husband Jim, in the basement of a courthouse in Athens, Georgia and said my wedding vows. And even though we’re divorced… and Jan 8th will come and go WITHOUT a 20th wedding anniversary… I will still celebrate it. I do every year. Our Wedding Day - Jan 8, 2001 I will celebrate the good memories, and the life we created while we were happy together. Because… there were a lot of good times. I will reflect on the sad time, the dashed hope's and dreams, the words left unsaid. And I'll wonder about the what- ifs.... it's all part of our story. Circumstances can never change the past. The only thing we can do is grow ourselves to change our view of the past. For me, this date is a reminder of my/our story. I have accepted the fact that I have no clue how to feel on this day. You'd think

Happy 15th Anniversary to my ONE friend, my lover, and my hubby! I love you Stephen! "One Friend" I always thought you were the best I guess I always will I always felt that we were blessed And I feel that way still Sometimes we took the hard road But we always saw it through If I had only one friend left I'd want it to be you Sometimes the world was on our side Sometimes it wasn't fair Sometimes it gave a helping hand Sometimes we didn't care 'Cause when we were together It made the dream come true If I had only one friend left I'd want it to be you Someone who understands me And knows me inside out And helps keep me together And believes without a doubt That I could move a mountain Someone to tell it to If I had only one friend left I'd want it to be you Someone who understands me And knows me inside out And helps keep me together And believes without a doubt That I could move a mountain Someone to tell it to If I had only one friend left I'd wan

I twist the wedding band on my left ring finger. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous. Every five years or so, I find myself here.... I’m at a little restaurant twenty plus miles from my home... I'm always here first. I see him at the door before he sees me. I watch him look around the room. My heart is beating fast. The whole scene freezes as he walks towards me. I am transported back 21 years to when I first met him.... so much looks the same, all the memories come flooding back. We used to be in love....we made it look good; we made it look easy. And it was good, but never easy. Life was hard back then. I rise to hug him. Our bodies still fit so well together. I remember his smell, part cologne, part Marlboro cigarettes, and part cinnamon certs. I pull away. We sit, surrounded by the noise of the old folks getting their morning coffee and chatting about the weather. It feels awkward. I never know how I'm supposed to a