Not In, But Not Out....

 I know just about enough to be dangerous.... that right now is my whole take on religion. 

You see I was raised very conservative (think Amish, without the buggy), and was taught conservative beliefs my whole life.... and there was alot of good that came from being raised that way.

But, there was also alot of bad.... as my husband says, "if he wasn't already a Christian, seeing the way my conservative family and churches I was raised in act, he wouldn't want anything to do with God if that's how he was introduced to Christianity." Which is sad, but I agree with him 100%.  

I joined an Independent Fundemental, KJV Baptist church (which is pretty conservative) and though I would say my belief aligns with a conservative Baptist, I am tired of the church politics, rules, and people acting one way on Sunday and another through the week.... the 'whatever' attitude of the Christian faith is off putting to me......

On the other hand, I was rebellious in my younger years, married a catholic man (who had been married multiple times), who smoke, drank and ultimately cheated on me... but I enjoyed the karaoke bars, hanging out with friends, card games, spontaneous lifestyle of not planning, and living for the moment.... I miss the attention that life gave me. And the fact that in my life now, I feel invisible just adds to the pain of me not knowing who I am. 

I know right from wrong. I miss the wrong a little, but I don't want to do wrong.....

Its complicated. 

I have 3 kids and an amazing, loving husband. We have a beautiful peice of land with a few animals in the country. I drive part time for a dealership, I have a small Shaklee home business, and I get to stay home with my kids... From the outside, looking in, my life seems perfect. I have everything most people dream of, and never get!

 I love my life I have now, but I also miss my old life. Somedays I wish I could have both... it's almost like I lived and liked one way with one husband and another way with the other husband and there are good and bad things about both, but the question in my mind is "how would I live if it was just up to me and there was no man in my life..... 

Kinda like in the movie Runaway Bride... she (Julia Robert's) doesn't even know what kind of eggs she likes.... because she always orders whatever her fiance gets.... (also can we just take a minute to appreciate how handsome Richard Gere is in that movie?!?)

I'll never know the answer to that, because I love the man in my life and even if there was no man, I'm a momma to three kids, so I have to do the good things and have morals and values for them. I want my kids to know and do good.

 To be honest, I can never be the real me, because I've made choices in my life that includes kids. The things I mostly do aren't because I want to do them but rather... because I have to do them....

So, to make a long story short, I really have no idea who or what I am, or what I should have been.... I really don't know if I'm in or out. I know just enough of two sides to make it complicated.