Happy Anniversary to My Ex-Husband

There is always one day that is simply emotionally confusing for me and that is: 
The Ex-Anniversary Date

Twenty years have passed since the day I stood with my first husband Jim, in the basement of a courthouse in Athens, Georgia and said my wedding vows. And even though we’re divorced… and Jan 8th will come and go WITHOUT a 20th wedding anniversary… I will still celebrate it. I do every year.

Our Wedding Day - Jan 8, 2001

I will celebrate the good memories, and the life we created while we were happy together. Because… there were a lot of good times. I will reflect on the sad time, the dashed hope's and dreams, the words left unsaid. And I'll wonder about the what- ifs.... it's all part of our story. Circumstances can never change the past. The only thing we can do is grow ourselves to change our view of the past. For me, this date is a reminder of my/our story.

I have accepted the fact that I have no clue how to feel on this day. You'd think after all this time, I'd know better by now, but it's hard to explain. I don’t really get sad anymore about the marriage ending, but I do get sad when I think of losing him and the friendship we had. God molded me into a different person from my divorce experience. If it wasn't for my first husband and events that happened in our life, I would've never found my current husband of 15+ years.... 

My old anniversary date is not just another day on the calendar. The feelings have changed, but each time it rolls around, I feel things that set it apart from just an ordinary day. Suddenly, there’s a strange stack of emotions to process. I do feel sad about some of the choices my Ex made. I miss my ex father in law (I still think of him as dad), I still miss my step kids more than anyone will ever know, and think of them all the time. It breaks my heart when I think of my Ex alone or in pain. I wish I could go back and change some things - not to still be married, but to have had a better divorce. (Our divorce wasn't bitter, but I wish we could have kept in contact more.) All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. My life didn't stop because he left, no matter how many times I didn't want to get out of bed. My life went on, and for the most part, I am happy.

I have a million thoughts racing through my mind on this date. Should I feel sad? Is it guilty to feel relief over some things? How should I remember the good times, while keeping in mind the hell on earth that some days were (because of his other ex wife)?  How does my Ex feel about this date? Does he ever think about the things I think about? Is it ok to feel upset about some things? Is it ok to remember our marriage happily? How do I still show him I care? Can I do it without making my current hubby jealous? Will people think I'm weird if I love both my hubby and my ex-husband at the same time? Do I care if people care?

So today, Jimmy, I want to say Happy Anniversary. Thank you for making the first move. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being in my life when I needed you. Thank you for the years we had together. Thank you for living your life. Thank you for always treating me with respect after our divorce. And most of all, thank you for giving me the most beautiful baby girl in the world. 

I thank God for giving me the chance to love you. Our marriage taught me how to love. It taught me how to live and create new life. But our divorce taught me how to survive. And, although we are no longer living under the same roof,  I will always care for you, and you will always have a place in my heart.

So, to my Ex-husband, Happy Anniversary regardless of what it means. Because love never really ends… it just becomes something else.