Dying....

-



Today has been hard for me.... there were alot of tears.

 I don't like getting old, and I don't like that people I care about are dying... our friend and neighbor passed away this week. Brooklyn_speaks went home to be with Jesus today....  another friend of ours is losing his battle with ALS and got his feeding tube put in this month... I feel overwhelmed that for me, I know my place in that line will come sooner than later. 

My death sentence makes me angry... I have kids that need me. I want to travel and see the world. I want to watch my kids grow up... to see my grandkids and great-grandkids. I want to enjoy retirement with my hubby. I want to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary together. I want to do something good with my life.

I get tired of fighting with doctors, getting pricked with needles and the ever changing doses of medication. I'm tired of being exhausted every single day. I feel guilty for just about everything I do, and everything I don't do. I feel like the people I love most are getting the worst of me. 

Some people say that a terminal illness brings out the best in them - that it helps them to live life to the fullest and not to take anything for granted. But for me, I feel it brings out the worst.... I feel like the everyday life of working (I drive for a car dealership), having a home business,  homeschooling, cooking, cleaning,  gardening, canning, having a hobby farm, helping our special needs son, and remodeling the house, etc. is taking over my life. I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, like I'm failing at everything... but mostly, I feel like I'm just waiting to die.

 I'd rather live, but I'm not sure how to anymore. 

Today, hubby and I went over my funeral arrangements, ideas for my casket, burial, etc. (It's important to me that it's done now so he won't need to worry about it when the time comes.) There's so much that needs planned... so much to do. Every year, is another year crossed off the life expectancy my doctors gave me.... my life seems to be going by so fast-  like I'm on this rollercoaster that never ends.

I'm not looking for sympathy... I know that God is in control and none of us are given the promise of another day. But some days it's just rough....

Tomorrow, I will get up, put on my uniform, and go drive for the dealership... I will hide my emotions behind a smile, and people will think I'm living a normal life.... it is what it is.... that's my life.

Comments

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear your comments:

Popular posts from this blog

Shaklee Basic H - 1001 uses

-
Image
A List of Uses for Shaklee Basic-H  Since there are over 1,001 uses it has been difficult to compile a complete list. So, here are a few to start! First, how should Basic-H generally be used? The genius of Basic-H is that it makes water, the “universal solvent,” penetrate dirt and grime more quickly while then rinsing away easily and leaving no toxic residue. Intensely concentrated, Basic-H’s cleaning power is unleashed when it is diluted in water to the strength required for the cleaning job at hand (spot-test first). GENERAL USES FOR BASIC-H2 and Basic H the Classic  CLEANING JOBS: 1/2 to 1 teaspoon to a quart of warm water WINDOWS, MIRRORS: 2 to 4 drops to a pint of water FLOORS: 2 tablespoons to 1 gallon of water BASIC-G AND BASIC-H CONCENTRATE: 3 Cups H to 1 Cup G (this mix will be diluted in water as needed) OTHER USES FOR BASIC-H Some of these uses are not approved by Shaklee. You can see their official ways to use Basic-H and
Read more

Crochet Pattern for Christmas Tree Skirt

-
Image
Materials:  (1) 16 oz Yarn (color of your choice) *You can use different colors of yarn. I wanted mine to match my Christmas stockings so I made it all soft white. Crochet Hook (I used size H) *You can use any type of yarn or any size hook.... (The smaller the hook, the tighter the stitches. The bigger the hook, the more yarn you will need.) Glossery: (ch = chain, sc = single crochet, dc = double crochet, st = stitch)                                Directions: Row 1: Ch 22, dc in fourth ch from hook, dc in each ch across, turn. Row 2: Ch 3 (counts as first dc), 2 dc in each st across to last st, dc in last st, turn.  Row 3: Ch 3, dc in each st across, turn. Row 4: Ch 3, 2 dc in each st across to last st, dc in last st, turn.  Row 5 - 6: Ch 3, dc in each st across, turn. Row 7: Ch 3, 2 dc in next st, (dc in next st, 2 dc in next st) across, turn.  Row 8 - 10: Ch 3, dc in each st across, turn. Row 11: Ch 3, (2 dc in next st,
Read more

Shaklee Basic H for Agriculture Use

-
Image
Agriculture Use of Shaklee Basic H Classic Nature has put everything in your soil that is necessary to grow abundant healthy plants. The most economic way to manage your soil is to add an igniter to the soil and thus begin inner action never before possible. This is where Basic H classic, a Shaklee product, comes in. Basic H is not a plant food as such, but helps get action in the soil that builds soil health. Basic H can improve water infiltration, or penetration, up to 300%. Many farmers who uses Basic H have experienced how Basic H makes “water wetter than wet.” Holding water at the root level longer will help your plants in drought or extreme conditions. Advantages of Using Basic H as a Soil Conditioner  Increases water penetration  Reduces some forms of water repellency  Reduces rain run-off and loss by evaporation Aids in eliminating standing water  Promotes uniform water penetration Advantages of Using Basic H as a Surfactant  Cuts the cost of
Read more