Dying....

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Today has been hard for me.... there were alot of tears.

 I don't like getting old, and I don't like that people I care about are dying... our friend and neighbor passed away this week. Brooklyn_speaks went home to be with Jesus today....  another friend of ours is losing his battle with ALS and got his feeding tube put in this month... I feel overwhelmed that for me, I know my place in that line will come sooner than later. 

My death sentence makes me angry... I have kids that need me. I want to travel and see the world. I want to watch my kids grow up... to see my grandkids and great-grandkids. I want to enjoy retirement with my hubby. I want to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary together. I want to do something good with my life.

I get tired of fighting with doctors, getting pricked with needles and the ever changing doses of medication. I'm tired of being exhausted every single day. I feel guilty for just about everything I do, and everything I don't do. I feel like the people I love most are getting the worst of me. 

Some people say that a terminal illness brings out the best in them - that it helps them to live life to the fullest and not to take anything for granted. But for me, I feel it brings out the worst.... I feel like the everyday life of working (I drive for a car dealership), having a home business,  homeschooling, cooking, cleaning,  gardening, canning, having a hobby farm, helping our special needs son, and remodeling the house, etc. is taking over my life. I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, like I'm failing at everything... but mostly, I feel like I'm just waiting to die.

 I'd rather live, but I'm not sure how to anymore. 

Today, hubby and I went over my funeral arrangements, ideas for my casket, burial, etc. (It's important to me that it's done now so he won't need to worry about it when the time comes.) There's so much that needs planned... so much to do. Every year, is another year crossed off the life expectancy my doctors gave me.... my life seems to be going by so fast-  like I'm on this rollercoaster that never ends.

I'm not looking for sympathy... I know that God is in control and none of us are given the promise of another day. But some days it's just rough....

Tomorrow, I will get up, put on my uniform, and go drive for the dealership... I will hide my emotions behind a smile, and people will think I'm living a normal life.... it is what it is.... that's my life.

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