When Your Oldest Daughter Moves Out
Our oldest daughter moved out this month.... it really wasn't a surprise, I knew it was coming, and although I wanted her to wait for another few more months, I think deep down, I knew it was time.
She is 19, has a full-time job at a busy Vet hospital, is enrolled in college, currently working towards a graphic design degree. She graduated school 2 years early, is a hard worker, a good employee, and managed to save a good sized nest egg. She has always paid for her own phone, insurance, and paid cash for her car, - and she did it all on her own.... she never got an allowance and we didn't spoil her with money or things. She worked hard to get where she is.....
I'm proud of her....
And although I think I knew it was time she spread her own wings.... I had a tangled up mess of emotions. Somedays I would cry over everything. Somedays I was sad.... it was almost like all my dreams and plans that she and I had for years had died and were being buried. Sometimes I was angry.... it felt like she wanted to leave me behind and forget that I was her mom.... Sometimes I was excited... shopping and planning for her new place was like going on an adventure. Somedays, I really didn't know how I felt.... I wondered: How can I let her go? Have we prepared her well enough? What if she never moves back home, again? What if she chooses a life without me in it? Will my family ever feel complete again?
The funny thing is sometimes I miss her alot.... other times, not nearly as much as I thought I would....
I miss the smell of her coffee in the morning and the counter is bare where her coffee maker used to be.
Parenting her has been my main focus for the past 19+ years, and all of a sudden thats changed. Coping with that isn’t easy. I am no longer responsible for her desisions, for her safety, for feeding and clothing her.... its now about her choosing her own path and for me to take a step back.
She is 19, has a full-time job at a busy Vet hospital, is enrolled in college, currently working towards a graphic design degree. She graduated school 2 years early, is a hard worker, a good employee, and managed to save a good sized nest egg. She has always paid for her own phone, insurance, and paid cash for her car, - and she did it all on her own.... she never got an allowance and we didn't spoil her with money or things. She worked hard to get where she is.....
I'm proud of her....
And although I think I knew it was time she spread her own wings.... I had a tangled up mess of emotions. Somedays I would cry over everything. Somedays I was sad.... it was almost like all my dreams and plans that she and I had for years had died and were being buried. Sometimes I was angry.... it felt like she wanted to leave me behind and forget that I was her mom.... Sometimes I was excited... shopping and planning for her new place was like going on an adventure. Somedays, I really didn't know how I felt.... I wondered: How can I let her go? Have we prepared her well enough? What if she never moves back home, again? What if she chooses a life without me in it? Will my family ever feel complete again?
The funny thing is sometimes I miss her alot.... other times, not nearly as much as I thought I would....
I miss the smell of her coffee in the morning and the counter is bare where her coffee maker used to be.
I miss her singing and playing the guitar..... check out her you tube channel...
I miss just randomly walking into her room, sitting on her bed and having random conversations.
I miss being able to give each other advise on our clothing or hairdos....
But, during the last few weeks I have come to understand that.....
This transition is a big deal. It’s completely natural to feel overwhelmed, scared or at a loss. Allowing myself the time and space to process our new situation -life without all my kids under the same roof is difficult, but also healing.
I miss just randomly walking into her room, sitting on her bed and having random conversations.
I miss being able to give each other advise on our clothing or hairdos....
But, during the last few weeks I have come to understand that.....
This transition is a big deal. It’s completely natural to feel overwhelmed, scared or at a loss. Allowing myself the time and space to process our new situation -life without all my kids under the same roof is difficult, but also healing.
Parenting her has been my main focus for the past 19+ years, and all of a sudden thats changed. Coping with that isn’t easy. I am no longer responsible for her desisions, for her safety, for feeding and clothing her.... its now about her choosing her own path and for me to take a step back.
Childhood is supposed to end—this is life’s natural order (even though it feels pretty unnatural, at first). As she transitions, I must transition also.
Dwelling on what might happen in the future is defeating. Focusing on what is happening in the moment is much better. I raised her well. I have to let go and trust that she is capable of making her own decisions whether they are good or bad.
I never expected my baby girl to leave our nest so soon. But it happened; opportunity knocked, adventure beckoned. I'm still adjusting.... but I'm trying to be okay with it!
"Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened." -Dr Seuss
Dwelling on what might happen in the future is defeating. Focusing on what is happening in the moment is much better. I raised her well. I have to let go and trust that she is capable of making her own decisions whether they are good or bad.
Her life represents who she is, not who I am. She has the right to choose for herself where and how she will live. She no longer has to answer to me; she has to answer to God. This takes the pressure off of me—which in turn, takes the pressure off of our relationship. (As long as I can remember that!)
Helen Keller once said: “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” This means that I have to stop pining away for the past and accept that my life has changed.
The fact that we no longer see each other every day isn't easy, but it helps to have a plan. Our daughter comes home once a week to do laundry and talk. I love it when she comes home.... I love that she raids the fridge and pantry, and that we can sit on the sofa and just talk.
The fact that we no longer see each other every day isn't easy, but it helps to have a plan. Our daughter comes home once a week to do laundry and talk. I love it when she comes home.... I love that she raids the fridge and pantry, and that we can sit on the sofa and just talk.
I love watching her experience life.... visiting her place, hearing all her news.... it reminds me of when I was her age and had the world at my fingertips.... and even though I know she's all grown up.... to me she'll always be her daddy's little girl!
"Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened." -Dr Seuss
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