Breakfast with my Ex Husband

I twist the wedding band on my left ring finger. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous.

Every five years or so, I find myself here....

I’m at a little restaurant twenty plus miles from my home... I'm always here first. I see him at the door before he sees me. I watch him look around the room. My heart is beating fast. The whole scene freezes as he walks towards me.

I am transported back 21 years to when I first met him.... so much looks the same, all the memories come flooding back. We used to be in love....we made it look good; we made it look easy. And it was good, but never easy. Life was hard back then.

I rise to hug him. Our bodies still fit so well together. I remember his smell, part cologne, part Marlboro cigarettes, and part cinnamon certs. I pull away. We sit, surrounded by the noise of the old folks getting their morning coffee and chatting about the weather.

It feels awkward. I never know how I'm supposed to act, now that we’ve both moved on, married other people, and had kids (or in his case, grand kids)? Part of me loves meeting up with him... after all, he's still my friend.... but the other part of me feels like I'm cheating on my husband. 

I don’t know whether I miss him or whether he is forever carved in my memory that I can't let him go....

My hands are shaking. He notices. “Did you tell anyone about it?” I ask. "Hell no,” he says. “Did you tell your husband?” "No, it would just worry him.” It's not that I don't want him to know, it's just that it's too hard to explain, and I honestly don't want him to worry. It's complicated.

I let myself really look at him for the first time. He is 50 now and has a few white hairs to prove it. He looks different, yet still so much the same. I wonder what he notices in me - does he even notice me? Or remember what I looked like way back then? He reaches across the table for my hands. He smiles, and I see the man I once loved, across from me. His hands feel familiar....

His eyes start to water.

“You miss me as much as I miss you?”

I nod my head, “I miss what we used to have. I miss what could've been, but I don't miss the pain, or the hard times that we went through. I really did love you."

"I know you did" he whispers.

“It doesn’t make what I have now any less real or great, but it does still make me sad.” I say it, and it’s true. I love my husband and have a good life now. I don't regret marrying twice....

We talk about our kids, his work, our extended family.... We’re two old friends making up for lost time.

He leans forward: "I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you, I was so stupid back then. I'll always love you." He looks at me with tears in his eyes waiting for me to say the same words to him.... but, I can't.

" You'll always be a part of my family, and I'll always care for you, but my hubby has my heart now.... It is what it is." I say.

He looks away.

I have a million thoughts racing through my head... I want to ask "Why did you end it?” Why did you lie to me? Why did you cheat? Why couldn't you have loved me back when we were husband and wife?" I've been waiting years to ask those questions, but part of me knows I wouldn't get a real answer anyway. I'm surprised by my emotions: There is still anger, but there's still love in my heart for him too.

All of a sudden, the silence between us feels heavy, as we both realize that although some things have changed, there was a reason we didn't make it, and that hasn't changed. There's nothing left to say.

“I have to go,” I say.

“Stay,” he says, and reaches across the table for my hand.

In that moment, I think of my husband who chose me and continues to choose me every day. His love for me is more than I ever knew existed. He is my soulmate. The keeper of my heart. He loves me unconditionally. He is the one I love. My best friend.

My hands have stopped shaking now, and I finally know what to do with them: I squeeze his hand, then wave good-bye, as I walk out the door.

I'm going home to my husband, home to my kids, home to my life... I'm going home.