Not Everyone Wants a Hug

It's Christmas time and everyone, everywhere is giving out hugs.

 Some people love it.... some people hate it. I happen to fall in the last category. Don't get me wrong.... I love a good hug with the people I love.... I love hugging my husband, my kids, my best friend Joe, and a few other people that are important to me..... like my father-in-laws, my ex-husband, my little sister, and my Grandpa Stump - he gave the best hugs ever!

However, I'm really not into hugging most other people.... acquaintances, coworkers, extended family, brothers, sisters, in-laws, neighbors, a stranger, your uncle, the aunt who wears too much perfume, the cousin you only see once a year, etc.... The uninvited embrace from someone you barely knew or used to know — like a relative assuming a familiarity that doesn’t exist. 

It seems everywhere you go, all throughout the year, people wants to hug... at weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Sunday church, etc. Oh, and don't get me started on veiwings and funerals....why is it people think that compassion is hugging a stranger, three feet from the dead body of your loved one.... it's not compassion, its torture. 

Seriously, my daughter (11 yrs at the time), had a great uncle that she didn't even know come up and give her a big bear hug at her Grandpa's veiwing. It made her extremely uncomfortable, to the point she felt like she wasn't safe in the funeral home and wanted to stay in the room where she could see me.

No one should be forced to show affection, regardless of their age and gender. What if you want to hug one family member, but not another? (Sounds harsh, but don’t act like you have never had that thought come to you!) That's just being human.

Hugging people I am not super close to makes me uncomfortable. For starters, my brain simply cannot fathom the appeal of being physically squeezed by fellow human beings, as an expression of affection. And, if I suddenly find myself at the receiving end of an embrace, I cringe inwardly and freeze as I try to grin and bear it. The worst is when they say, "I know you're not a hugger, but I got to have a hug!" - um, no you don't have to... if you want a hug that bad, find someone who actually wants a hug, and go to town!

On the other hand, if I do reluctantly initiate a hug to fit into this world full of raging hug-aficionados, those hugs feel forced and awkward.... I have no idea how much to lean in, or what to do with my hands — do I pat the person? Or, do I just awkwardly put my hands on their back? Which side do I tilt my head to? Do I use both arms? What if I use only one arm, but it’s the same side arm they use, and our arms meet in the middle, then what? And, don’t even get me started on the boob issue! (True story, one of my very conservitive aunts who I hadn't seen in years was setting at a table, I was standing, she wanted a hug, so I reached down to hug her and realized I had one hand on the side of her boob the entire time!) Don't get me wrong, I don't have a thing about boobs... I like boobs 🤣, and if it was my little sister or daughter or close friend, we'd have had a good laugh! But, it was with someone I'm not close to, and was extremely awkward. 

No thanks, I'll pass.

Hugs are supposed to feel good. They are supposed to be friendly, affectionate, warm expressions of a bond. They are not requirements, commands, or rituals you have to unlock before you can get to the next part of the day, activities, or conversation. They should be totally optional and voluntary. If people don’t make you feel good with their hugs or you don’t feel good about hugging them, you shouldn't feel forced to hug them.

As someone who doesn’t care for hugs, I wish I could just wear a sign saying, “I’m not a hugger!” or "No hugs please!"

Often, I want to speak up and say, in a self-deprecating tone, “You know me, cold as ice, hate hugs!", but I am usually not quick enough to get it out! Or maybe this line: "I’m sorry. I don’t want to be touched right now, but would you stay and talk for a bit?”

I may be weird, but I really don't want to hug you. It's not you, it's me. Most touch is unwanted – and even with my hubby and my kids, I have limits. I’m happy to give them a hug, but I’m not comfortable letting it linger it for a long time. I also get anxious if people stand too close or if I’m in a crowded room of people with very little personal space. For instance, if I'm in the kitchen, you are welcome to sit at the bar and talk to me, (in fact I love it when you do) but please, stay out of my kitchen!

Seriously, ask my kids, I am not a hugging, cuddleing type of mom... even though I love them more than any thing in the world. (For example, at night my husband goes and seeks each kid out at bedtime to tell them goodnight, say he loves them, and gives each one a long hug. I always make sure to tell them I love them and say goodnight, but I don't give hugs regularly.) I have taught my kids that if they want/need a hug to simply ask for one by saying, “Hey, I need/could use/would like a hug,” and I will hug them, and it will feel good to me because I'm doing it for my kids. But I don't want people hanging on me.... not even my kids!

Some people suffer from haphephobia, which can make hugs overwhelming for them — while it’s causes remain unknown, experts believe it could be a result of social anxiety, “People who have higher levels of social anxiety, in general, may be hesitant to engage in affectionate touches with others, including friends.” Some believe that upbringing may play an important role in whether or not an individual grows up to appreciate hugs. While others believe it is caused by trauma. 

I honestly don't know why I don't like hugs or alot of touching. I remember even as a kid. I had a cousin who always wanted to hang onto my hand. I hated it and would always try to pull away, and if I managed to get free, she'd just grab my hand again!

Going to a get-together and leaving a get-together are very much dreaded for me. I hate the hugs everyone that hasn't seen you in awhile think they have to give when you arrive.... from people you haven't talked to in months, too me, it seems fake, like people just do it 'cause they're supposed too. I usually try to make sure I have something to carry in my hands or go to another room and linger getting out of my coat, or just try to slide in without people noticing. 

And then it starts all over again when you're ready to leave, everybody comes at you with a hug. I'd rather, just leave and not tell anyone so I can escape the overwhelming, suffocating, lingering goodbye hugs.

If you hate being hugged, the world can be a challenging place. Last week, I was in the check out line at Aldi, and this random lady comes up, hugs me and starts talking about the pumpkin seeds she was buying and how I got in the same line as her, etc. Don't get me wrong, she was happy, bubblely, and full of sunshine, and I enjoyed talking to her. But the hug.... well, that was actually quite rude and very uncomfortable for me....  Just like that, you never know when someone you’re meeting for a quick coffee, (or a complete stranger) will approach you, arms open wide, coming in for an embrace. Your options are limited: you can awkwardly dodge the gesture, stick out your hand for a handshake, or submit to the unwanted bear hug. It’s really hard for some of us to find the words quick enough to say a polite "no"!

So, if you are a hugger.... find your people, you know - the huggy, feel-ly, type ones, and hug to your hearts content. I won't mind, I promise! But unless you are closely acquainted with someone (me), just skip the hug. The reason is simple: while you might be comfortable with it, not everyone else—even those who might go along with it quietly—are.

Ask permission. It’s the most important thing you can do, If you go in for a hug and the person recoils, step back and don’t take it personally. “It’s not always about you.”

Read body language. Body language speaks volumes. If something about how another person is moving is telling you to back up — a grimace, a loss of eye contact, they step back — respect it

Operate under the guidance that touch is not allowed until you are given consent. “When it comes to other people’s bodies and spaces, be respectful!" No one owes you a hug. It's not your right, it should be mutually wanted by both parties.

And if you are like me.... here is your reminder:

You Don't Owe Anyone a Hug. Not Even at the Holidays.

P.s. To the people I actually am close to... don't worry - I do like your quick hugs!