Waiting To Die

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I was diagnosed with an incurable cancer on this day, the day my Grandma Stump died in 2012....

Somedays, I feel like I'm just waiting to die.

It's the elephant in the room that no one talks about.... but it's always there. Every. Single. Day.

I've watched a close friend die from cancer the same year I was diagnosed. I've known of so many people who have lost the battle.... some young, some old. And I just wonder.... where do I fall in line at?

Two months ago, I was by my Dads side when he passed away from cancer. I watched as he took his last breath. The memory plays over and over in my mind. Almost like a dream. We knew it was the end, but yet, one second he was breathing and the next second, there was no breath. He was gone. 

"We are wired to run away from death, but dying is a part of life."


I can't help but wonder when my time to die is coming. 

Will I be able to see all my kids graduate and get married? 

Will my special needs son have someone to care for him if I'm not around? He relys on me to be his voice and help him understand. 

Will I get to be a Grandma? 

What about a Great-Grandma? 

Will I be able to enjoy retirement and travel with my husband? 

Will I ever get to celebrate my 20th, 30th, 40th, or 50th wedding anniversary?

Will I live to see 50? What about 60, 70, or 80? 

Will I die a slow painful death? Or will it be sudden or quick? 

Will my family be able to cope with my death? 

What will it feel like to die? 

Have I done my best to live a good life for God? 

Did I teach my kids what they need to know if I'm not around?

Do they know how much I love them? 

Will my hubby be okay? 

Will anyone even miss me when I'm gone?

There's so many questions.... and no answers. But my mind won't stop wondering. Is this going to haunt me for the rest of life?

I was diagnosed nine years ago and thankfully, it's a slow growing cancer that we have been able to keep from spreading by taking high quality Shaklee vitamins, Vivix, and supplements.... but that could all change -my cancer could become aggressive at any second. The years seam to be ticking by faster than ever and I know its just a matter of time.

I believe in God and my head knows he's in control, but my heart hurts with worry and the what-ifs.

Unless you've been diagnosed with an incurable cancer, you will never know the constant worry, wondering, and stress that I face every single day.

Its like life goes on for everyone else, but for me... I'm just waiting to die.

- Rhoda

P.S. I hesitate to discuss my cancer, as I am not looking for sympathy - but have found that sometimes, I get relief by 'talking' about it here on my blog - it helps to 'get it out'. Please don't ask personal questions..... they will not be answered. 


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