Waiting To Die

-
I was diagnosed with an incurable cancer on this day, the day my Grandma Stump died in 2012....

Somedays, I feel like I'm just waiting to die.

It's the elephant in the room that no one talks about.... but it's always there. Every. Single. Day.

I've watched a close friend die from cancer the same year I was diagnosed. I've known of so many people who have lost the battle.... some young, some old. And I just wonder.... where do I fall in line at?

Two months ago, I was by my Dads side when he passed away from cancer. I watched as he took his last breath. The memory plays over and over in my mind. Almost like a dream. We knew it was the end, but yet, one second he was breathing and the next second, there was no breath. He was gone. 

"We are wired to run away from death, but dying is a part of life."


I can't help but wonder when my time to die is coming. 

Will I be able to see all my kids graduate and get married? 

Will my special needs son have someone to care for him if I'm not around? He relys on me to be his voice and help him understand. 

Will I get to be a Grandma? 

What about a Great-Grandma? 

Will I be able to enjoy retirement and travel with my husband? 

Will I ever get to celebrate my 20th, 30th, 40th, or 50th wedding anniversary?

Will I live to see 50? What about 60, 70, or 80? 

Will I die a slow painful death? Or will it be sudden or quick? 

Will my family be able to cope with my death? 

What will it feel like to die? 

Have I done my best to live a good life for God? 

Did I teach my kids what they need to know if I'm not around?

Do they know how much I love them? 

Will my hubby be okay? 

Will anyone even miss me when I'm gone?

There's so many questions.... and no answers. But my mind won't stop wondering. Is this going to haunt me for the rest of life?

I was diagnosed nine years ago and thankfully, it's a slow growing cancer that we have been able to keep from spreading by taking high quality Shaklee vitamins, Vivix, and supplements.... but that could all change -my cancer could become aggressive at any second. The years seam to be ticking by faster than ever and I know its just a matter of time.

I believe in God and my head knows he's in control, but my heart hurts with worry and the what-ifs.

Unless you've been diagnosed with an incurable cancer, you will never know the constant worry, wondering, and stress that I face every single day.

Its like life goes on for everyone else, but for me... I'm just waiting to die.

- Rhoda

P.S. I hesitate to discuss my cancer, as I am not looking for sympathy - but have found that sometimes, I get relief by 'talking' about it here on my blog - it helps to 'get it out'. Please don't ask personal questions..... they will not be answered. 


Other cancer posts: 







Comments

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear your comments:

Popular posts from this blog

Shaklee Basic H - 1001 uses

-
Image
A List of Uses for Shaklee Basic-H  Since there are over 1,001 uses it has been difficult to compile a complete list. So, here are a few to start! First, how should Basic-H generally be used? The genius of Basic-H is that it makes water, the “universal solvent,” penetrate dirt and grime more quickly while then rinsing away easily and leaving no toxic residue. Intensely concentrated, Basic-H’s cleaning power is unleashed when it is diluted in water to the strength required for the cleaning job at hand (spot-test first). GENERAL USES FOR BASIC-H2 and Basic H the Classic  CLEANING JOBS: 1/2 to 1 teaspoon to a quart of warm water WINDOWS, MIRRORS: 2 to 4 drops to a pint of water FLOORS: 2 tablespoons to 1 gallon of water BASIC-G AND BASIC-H CONCENTRATE: 3 Cups H to 1 Cup G (this mix will be diluted in water as needed) OTHER USES FOR BASIC-H Some of these uses are not approved by Shaklee. You can see their official ways to use Bas...
Read more

Crochet Pattern for Christmas Tree Skirt

-
Image
Materials:  (1) 16 oz Yarn (color of your choice) *You can use different colors of yarn. I wanted mine to match my Christmas stockings so I made it all soft white. Crochet Hook (I used size H) *You can use any type of yarn or any size hook.... (The smaller the hook, the tighter the stitches. The bigger the hook, the more yarn you will need.) Glossery: (ch = chain, sc = single crochet, dc = double crochet, st = stitch)                                Directions: Row 1: Ch 22, dc in fourth ch from hook, dc in each ch across, turn. Row 2: Ch 3 (counts as first dc), 2 dc in each st across to last st, dc in last st, turn.  Row 3: Ch 3, dc in each st across, turn. Row 4: Ch 3, 2 dc in each st across to last st, dc in last st, turn.  Row 5 - 6: Ch 3, dc in each st across, turn. Row 7: Ch 3, 2 dc in next st, (dc in next st, 2 dc in next st) across,...
Read more

Shaklee Basic H for Agriculture Use

-
Image
Agriculture Use of Shaklee Basic H Classic Nature has put everything in your soil that is necessary to grow abundant healthy plants. The most economic way to manage your soil is to add an igniter to the soil and thus begin inner action never before possible. This is where Basic H classic, a Shaklee product, comes in. Basic H is not a plant food as such, but helps get action in the soil that builds soil health. Basic H can improve water infiltration, or penetration, up to 300%. Many farmers who uses Basic H have experienced how Basic H makes “water wetter than wet.” Holding water at the root level longer will help your plants in drought or extreme conditions. Advantages of Using Basic H as a Soil Conditioner  Increases water penetration  Reduces some forms of water repellency  Reduces rain run-off and loss by evaporation Aids in eliminating standing water  Promotes uniform water penetration Advantages of Using Basic H as a Surfactant ...
Read more