Marriage Advice

So, back before we got married, my husband and I received alot of marriage advice....but the following turned out to be the worst marriage advice I ever received.....

 "Don't ever talk about or bring up each other's past relationships or past life." 

For me, the above advice turned out to be the number one mistake of our marriage and here's why.

 When you can't speak to each other about your past or past relationships, it causes strain on a marriage. And, just like when things are swept under the rug, they will eventually come out.

 My husband and I both had previous relationships. He was never married, but I was previously married with a child. My first husband was my best friend in a time of my life when most all other friends and family forsake me. And being told not to talk about him or our past life together, made me feel horrible.

So the for the first three to five years of our marriage, we tried to follow the advice - never talking about our past relationships. It was hard for me. I always felt shame because I wanted to talk about it, but I was trying to do the right thing.... (or at least that was what I was told to do...) It was awful. I felt like I was pretending to be something I wasn't. A fake. Like I had betrayed my first husband, and the love that we had. I was starting to resent my current husband, because he agreed with the advice and refused to talk about our previous relationships.

Years, five through ten of our marriage, I started talking about my past life some (but I still walked on eggshells when the subject came up). My previous spouse, marriage, and feelings. I also started asking my husband questions about his past relationships. I found that when we could talk about it, about the memories I had, or what I was thinking of, or questions about his past, I felt relief. I started to feel more like myself and less like an imposter.

We have now been married for over thirteen years, and I am finally able to be honest with my husband. I am not ashamed to talk about my past, it is a part of me. Now we talk about it openly whenever it comes up. No secrets. No trying to go around the subject. 

To be honest, my hubby still doesn't like talking about our past much and still agrees with the advice, but he has gotten better with it over the years. For me....Our past life and relationships have finally become just that - part of our life but something that happened in the past. 

So my marriage advice would be this: Talk about your past - it is a part of you, and makes you who you are today.  - Rhoda