Why I Wouldn't Have Kids Again

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It's never been a secret that I do not enjoy being a mom. But when most people hear that, they think I hate my kids or that I'm a horrible person...

But the thing is... I don't say it to be mean or cruel to my kids but rather, I feel this way because my kids deserved so much more. I'm sad that the way my kids grew up wasn't the way I'd have chosen to raise them, if I knew then what I know now. I wish someone would have told me the honest truth about having kids.

You see if I could go back and do it all over, my kids would've been raised without TV, a computer or cell phones. There would have been no sweets or soda pop. No plastic toys, or barbie dolls. They would have had a structured schedule and routine. They would have been able to play sports, do Gymnastics, and go to dance and music lessons. They would have grown up in a good church, with best friends, young folks, potlucks, singing in nursing homes, and having guests over for Sunday dinner. 

They would have been raised in a community with neighbor kids their ages and lots of friends. They would've had friends spend the night, big birthday parties, long summer family vacations, and lemonade stands. They would have had sleepovers at their grandparents house with cousins, long holiday weekends with extended family, complete with baking cookies and Christmas caroling.

They would've had a dad and mom who loved to cuddle and give hugs and kisses - ones who would've taken them on camping trips, fishing, picnics and to the park. They would have had treasure hunts, play dress up and make believe.... 

 A dad and mom who read them stories every night, who wanted to get down on the floor and play with them, to listen to them, and take time for them. Parents who enjoyed small talk, a close knit family, siblings close to their age, and a home full of laughter.

A mom and dad who lived out the Bible in everyday life - who'd have a Bible verse for every situation... who had a purpose and plan for life. 

They deserve to feel needed, and important, to feel like this world was created for them. To not feel like the odd ball out, like me.

They deserve a mom that doesn't have cancer and multiple autoimmune diseases - a mom who doesn't have a chronic stress disorder - who doesn't get stressed out about every little thing. No, my kids deserve so much more than I have ever or could ever give them.

No, when I say I wish I wouldn't have had kids, its not because I don't love them. It's because I love them so much, that it hurts my heart to know that I didn't know how to raise them. That because of me, they didn't get the childhood that they should've had. 

I love them and am so very proud of them. I will always be their #1 fan!  ... but being a mom is something that will always haunt me. A reminder of what I never was and never will be - A good mom. I'm not proud of that fact, but I'm okay with being honest about it. I love my kids - but I failed miserably at being a mom. 

My kids are good kids and they deserve so much more than I can give them.... and that is the sad, but honest truth. No sugar coating it.

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