Saying Goodbye to Toxic People

Sometimes you just have to say goodbye to toxic people. To detach.

A family member, who is a toxic person, will take advantage of the fact that you are family – a bond that is supposed to be enduring, loving, and respectful – to manipulate and hurt you, because we are conditioned to believe that if we end relationships with them, that we are “bad” and no one wants to be or feel like they are an inherently bad person.

Toxic extended family members cause a lot of stress. It is hard work just to be around them. Many times you are always on edge, cautious, trying to live up to their ideals, yet always failing. Their manipulation, drama, neediness, criticism, jealousy, and other negative traits drain you emotionally and make you feel bad about yourself. All of these things affect your health both directly and indirectly. We spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health in abusive relationships under the notion that we “have to” because these people are our family - no matter how close or far they are in your family tree.. 

Time and time again you’ll find yourself trying to understand and rationalize their behavior and then forgiving their actions because… it’s your family.

But here's the thing, just because they are family doesn’t mean that it’s a relationship built on mutual love, respect and support for one another. You are family by blood and that may simply be the only connection your relationship is thread together by.

Giving up the hope that things would get better is hard. Coming to the realization that your family member is not available, or open to fully and completely loving you, and discovering the fact that you cannot call on them, or trust them, is one of life’s most painful realizations.

Cutting ties with family members is one of the hardest decisions in life, because we are conditioned to believe that to terminate relationships with “family” is morally and inherently wrong. The facts are that “family members” are just people and not always healthy people, and if these people weren’t family we would never choose them to be a part of our lives due to their poor treatment of us.

"Detachment doesn't mean not caring. It's taking care of yourself first and letting others take responsibility for their actions without trying to save or punish them!"

Prioritizing my own emotional wellbeing by walking away from extended family, although hard at times, has been an awakening, yet painful journey. Letting go of extended family is a choice I would make over again, and again to heal. Sure, it hurts a little knowing that you are no longer included in family activities, and you don't know when a cousin has a baby, gets married, or other life events, but the peace is worth it, one thousand times over!

I also got rid of almost all of my so called Facebook friends, (I kept 12 -and I even unfollowed a few of those.) I realized most 'friends' really aren't there for you, and far too often they only create drama. Getting rid of my personal fb "friends" and extended family on social media was a huge emotional weight lifted for me! Sure, I miss the gossip, lots of pics, and what's happening in people's lives, but I don't miss the comparisons, stupid posts, drama, fakeness, and people pretending to be something they're not! *Note: I still have a business fb page

Today, I am free. I am finally rid of the all the anxiety, neediness, and pleasing I did to fit. I do not hate them, and I do not need them. I am happy without them. As I have grown and experienced life, I have learned the hard truth about people. Not all people have good intentions, even if you are related to them.

Wisdom from a conversation about the subject with my 17 yr old daughter... "Honestly, if it's better for you, then you shouldn't feel bad for distancing yourself from your family. After all the times I've seen them wrong you and dad, they don't respect you, or care very much, from the way they've acted towards us in the past. It's not fair to you to keep engaging when it only causes drama and makes you upset. I think I understand why you say that family is the people you're closest to... I think they have just grown too far apart to be worth trying anymore. You just do what's right for you. I love you." -such wisdom. She may only be 17, but even she can see through bullshit.

Choose You. Choose Happiness and Peace. Choose Your Emotional Wellbeing and Joy. Detach from toxic people. You are worth it!